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'Thomas Jefferson still survives.'
JOHN ADAMS, 2nd US president, about the 3rd one
(He was wrong, though. Jefferson had died five hours prior.)
'I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.'
- HUMPHREY BOGART, American actor
'I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is used.'
- DOMINIQUE BOUHOURS, French grammarian
'I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.'
- W.C. FIELDS, US comedian
'I feel nothing, apart from a certain difficulty in continuing to exist.'
- BERNARD FONTANELLE, French philosopher
‘Watch out, please!’
- EGON FRIEDELL, Austrian historian and writer, to a passing pedestrian before jumping out of a window in Vienna
as the Gestapo knocked at his door (a wonderful example of the famous Viennese courtesy)
‘Get me my bedpan.’
- J.W. GOETHE, German poet, according to his servant (his acolytes prefer the ‘More light!’ quote)
‘God will forgive me. That’s his profession.’
- HEINRICH HEINE, German poet
'Surprise me!'
- BOB HOPE, English-born American comedian, when his wife asked him where we wanted to be buried
'On the contrary!'
- HENRIK IBSEN, Norwegian dramatist, when his nurse told a visitor that he was feeling better
'I told you I was ill.'
- SPIKE MILLIGAN, British comedian
'I do not have to forgive my enemies, I've had them all shot.'
- RAMON MARIA NARVAEZ, Spanish general
‘I am just going outside, and may be some time.’
- LAWRENCE OATES, member of Robert F. Scott’s fatal expedition to the South Pole, before lighting his pipe
and walking into a blizzard (due to his physical condition he delayed the group)
'They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist--'
- JOHN SEDGWICK, US general
'It is not my appearance, but my disappearance, that troubles me.'
- THADDEUS STEVENS, US politician and leading abolitionist (after a visitor commented on his appearance)
'I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's a record...'
- DYLAN THOMAS
'Even in the valley of the shadow of death, two and two do not make six.'
- LEO TOLSTOY, refusing to reconcile with the church
'Now, my good man, is no time for making enemies.'
- VOLTAIRE, when asked to renounce Satan
'Alas, I am dying beyond my means' (while sipping champagne on his deathbed)
- OSCAR WILDE
('Either this wallpaper goes, or I do' is a popular alternative)
And, just in case nobody will be there to hear me, my last words shall be:
'Being myself was the second most stupid thing I ever did.'
- FRANK L. LUDWIG